Coeur Doesn't Like Pyrrha Nikos
by Constable Paperbag
Summary: This is the magical, heartbreaking story of a blond huntsman-in-training who loved his girlfriend. And one god who did not.


**Neat title, innit?**

 **This a parody fic based on an AN Coeur Al'Aran wrote at the end of chapter 13 of his story Service With a Smile. I thought it'd be funny to exaggerate it, so here we are. In case any of you are worried, yes, I do have his permission to post this, and no, this is not an attack on him in any way. This is just a bit of light-hearted fun. If you haven't read his work already, do check it out.**

 **Enjoy**

* * *

 _Look at the two of them. Holding hands, kissing, telling each other day in and day out that they loved each other. It was enough to drive one mad._

 _In a dark and rainy dimension, where train tickets for Southern Rail had gone up for whatever reason, even though they are the worst railway line you could ask for, the god sat on his throne, glaring at the sight before him in contempt. Casting his almighty gaze into another universe, he watched two young lovers canoodling with each other whenever their hormone-riddled bodies demanded it. He gripped the edge of his throne tightly._

 _He was Coeur Al'Aran, the God of Ships and all things romance, and this went completely against his will. The sight of the two of them even holding hands was enough to make his blood boil. This was not harem. This was not gay. Hell, it wasn't even paedophilia._

 _This chaos had to end now!_

 _He whistled for his carriage to arrive and opened a wormhole into the other universe. He put on his finest tux and put the kettle on for when he got back. Whoever this Jaune and Pyrrha were, they had no idea what was coming to them. Arkos was a sin, born of corruption and vice from the hearts of man. It was a god's duty to cleanse the world of heresy and impurity. The young couple had better brace themselves._

 _Judgement was coming!_

[/]

It was a very dayish day in Beacon for young couple Jaune Arc and Pyrrha Nikos. The two were beautiful and hopelessly in love, and not a Brit in the world could tell them otherwise. The last one to do so had been Scarlet from Team SSSN. He was forced to watch Volume 5 as a consequence. Poor bastard.

The two stood in the courtyard holding each other's hands. The scenery was picturesque and romantic, like something out of a romance novel that didn't end in a lemon. "Jaune, being with you is like a dream come true," Pyrrha smiled. "Ever since you asked me out during that wacky boat trip adventure we had, I've never been happier. You're my Achilles heel, because you make me weak at the knees."

Jaune gazed into Pyrrha's eyes. Her chest was flat enough to avoid distractions. "Oh, Pyrrha, you have no idea how much that means to me," he whispered. Their faces leaned in close. It was time for some lip magic to happen lads. "I know you already know this, but I love-"

Suddenly, a large crack in the sky formed out of nowhere, startling the lovers and preventing them from smooching. A golden carriage driven by seventeen white stallions rode out of the crack and descended to the ground. The carriage door opened, releasing a long red carpet that stretched out of the carriage, all the way to Oscar's farm. Jaune and Pyrrha cuddled together in fear, anticipation, and romance.

Romance.

Romance.

Out from the carriage came a man dressed in a black suit and waistcoat with a monocle in his eye. He wore an overly large top hat and carried a cane in one hand, and a teacup in the other. He glared at the two of them with the fury a Man U supporter has when Chelsea scores a goal.

"No!" the smartly dressed man shouted, his crooked teeth clattering in his mouth. "No, I forbid this debauchery from continuing!"

"What the hell?" Jaune cried. "Who are you?"

The man's monocle gave off a dangerous gleam. "I am the great Coeur Al'Aran, God of Ships," he announced proudly. "And this act of tomfoolery displeases me!"

"God of Ships?" Pyrrha questioned. "What does that even mean?"

"It means I am in control of all things romance," Coeur glared. "I control who falls in love with who, and your sinful deeds go against my will. I have watched you two from above for a while now, hoping you would both break up and cry about it on social media. Well, no longer. Your romance has disrespected me for the last time!"

"I've had enough of this," Pyrrha glared. "If Jaune and I want to be together, so be it. And I'll be damned if a so-called god-"

"Insolent pawn, be silent!" Coeur snapped, pointing a finger at Pyrrha and firing a laser at her. The beam hit Pyrrha, and the girl turned into a large wheel of fortune with a picture of every girl in the world.

Jaune stared at the wheel in shock and horror. He had lost his girlfriend to what looked like a game of chance. It was just like that night in Las Vacuo. All of a sudden, colourful spotlights appeared out of nowhere and started shining all around, and the song Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne could be heard playing in the background.

"You have a choice, Jauneathan Arc," Coeur announced. "You must spin the wheel to choose your next love interest. Whoever the needle lands on shall be your next lover. May luck be with you."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on," Jaune cried. "What was wrong with my last girlfriend? I loved her and everything."

"Yes, but _I_ didn't love her," Coeur said. "Therefore you must not love her, for this is my will. Now spin!"

Jaune was confused but decided to play along for his own sake. If he disrespected a god, he'd probably get turned into a newt or something like that. He approached the wheel and frowned. "I don't see Pyrrha on here," he said.

"Indeed," the god beamed.

Jaune rolled his eyes and spun the wheel. It was so big, there was no telling where the needle was going to land. His eyes couldn't even keep up. Eventually, the wheel slowed down and he read the words written on the section the needle was pointed at.

 _Everyone._

"Wait, what?" Jaune cried. He barely had time to react when Ruby suddenly dropped from the sky and landed in his arms. She looked up at him with absolute love and adoration. "Ruby?"

"How you doin', daddy cakes?" she giggled.

Before he could respond Weiss suddenly fell from the sky and into his arms. She was followed by Blake, then Yang, then the entire female student body of Beacon. But it didn't stop there, as soon other girls and even older women landed in his arms until he could no longer support them all.

Very soon, a giant pile of females was sitting on the ground in front of him. There was so many, he couldn't count them all. They all stared at him with the same kind of love that Ruby had given him. There were practically hearts in all their eyes.

"The harem route," Coeur nodded in a satisfied way. "Most wise, Mr Arc, most wise indeed. A decision I greatly approve of."

Jaune whipped around to meet his gaze. "Are you kidding me, my lord?" he cried. "How am I supposed to deal with all these girls!?"

"Fret not, my boy. I have already taken care of that." The God fired another beam Jaune's way, but this one didn't change him upon impact. Although, he did feel a strange, important-feeling power inside him. "There. I have now granted you the title of Protagonist. Now you are free to love as many girls as you want without consequence."

Jaune looked down at himself. "How does this allow me to love as many girls as I want?"

"Because you are now the centre of your universe. Women far and wide will want and accept you, regardless of your personality and physical traits. Also, you are now the Chosen One because of this."

"I dunno, sir. This all sounds kinda weird."

"Too bad, for I am the great Coeur Al'Aran, hater of Pyrrha, lover of harems and God of Ships! Any and all romances will never feature that girl Pyrrha Nikos, and only a harem of a million girls will calm my rage. That is the will of Coeur Al'Aran!"

A large bell suddenly rang out of nowhere. It sounded like a large clock tower and shook the very earth with its vibrations.

"Ah, that would be my kettle," Coeur said. "I have been in this universe for far too long. It is time for tea. Until we meet again, Protagonist." The god stretched his arms, and two wings made of magazines grew out of his back. He flew up towards the crack in the sky and disappeared into it, the crack closing up behind him.

Jaune stared in disbelief at the whole scenario. He turned back to look at the girl pile he had now been lumped with. "Uh, hey girls?" he said.

"We love you, Jaune," they all said in unison.

Jaune scratched the back of his head nervously. He didn't really know what to do in this situation. But he had been on dates before. Maybe this could work? A lunch date was always a good ice-breaker.

"So, any of you girls like kebabs?"

"Not really," all of them said.

Jaune sighed. It was gonna be a looong day.

* * *

 **Again, this is in no way an attack on the man. Though if you wish to attack me, I suppose that's fair, haha. Anyways, thank you for reading this, and if you are reading this, Coeur... I'm so sorry :P**


End file.
